Update (21st February): Jussie Smollett has turned himself in to Chicago authorities, according to a tweet from The Associated Press. Anthony Guglielmi, the Chief Communications Officer for the Chicago Police Department, also confirmed that police currently have Smollett in custody. Wednesday evening, the Chicago Police Department confirmed on Twitter that charges of disorderly conduct had been brought against Smollett for allegedly filing a false police report.

“Felony criminal charges have been approved by @CookCountySAO against Jussie Smollett for Disorderly Conduct / Filing a False Police Report,” reads the tweet. “Detectives will make contact with his legal team to negotiate a reasonable surrender for his arrest.”

Representation for Smollett gave the following statement Wednesday evening: “Like any other citizen, Mr. Smollett enjoys the presumption of innocence, particularly when there has been an investigation like this one where information, both true and false, has been repeatedly leaked.”

If found guilty, Smollett could face up to three years in prison.

This post was originally published on February 20, 2019.

According to a tweet from the Chief Communications Officer at the Chicago Police Department, Empire star Jussie Smollett is officially considered a suspect in connection to his alleged attack in the city earlier this month.

Per the tweet, Smollett — who previously claimed that he was attacked by two men who doused him in bleach, threw racial and homophobic slurs at him, and put a rope around his neck — is now a suspect for the crime of filing a false police report.

“Case Update: Jussie Smollett is now officially classified as a suspect in a criminal investigation by #ChicagoPolice for filing a false police report (Class 4 felony),” the tweet reads. “Detectives are currently presenting evidence before a Cook County Grand Jury.”

Case Update: Jussie Smollett is now officially classified as a suspect in a criminal investigation by #ChicagoPolice for filing a false police report (Class 4 felony). Detectives are currently presenting evidence before a Cook County Grand Jury. pic.twitter.com/FhDcbBKsuU

— Anthony Guglielmi (@AJGuglielmi) February 20, 2019

This news comes after brothers Olabinjo Osundairo and Abimbola Osundairo were arrested in connection to the alleged attack last week and then released Friday. New reports about the brothers’ alleged involvement have surfaced in the days since they were cleared.

Smollett has maintained his innocence in the situation. A statement from his lawyer last week reads, per Variety:

“As a victim of a hate crime who has cooperated with the police investigation, Jussie Smollett is angered and devastated by recent reports that the perpetrators are individuals he is familiar with. He has now been further victimized by claims attributed to these alleged perpetrators that Jussie played a role in his own attack. Nothing is further from the truth and anyone claiming otherwise is lying.”

Refinery29 has reached out to Smollett and the Chicago Police Department for comment.

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Michael Jackson’s Estate Condemns New Doc

Lily Allen posted an Instagram story showing herself getting ready in the bathroom for a Brit awards after-party on Wednesday night: pretty routine behaviour for a #relatable singer in 2019. Less ordinary, though, was the candid and taboo-busting glimpse it gave into her beauty regime.

“Literally lightening my nipples right now…” the topless 33-year-old told her 1 million followers, as a makeup artist applied body makeup to Allen's breasts, before briefing viewers even more intimately about her body hair. “Georgie is literally plucking hairs out of my nipples and I didn’t even know they were there,” she added. “Because I obviously haven’t looked at my nipples in so long.”

The singer, having taken off the semi-sheer black Coach dress she wore for the ceremony, was changing into a flesh-coloured leotard and sheer dress with platinum wig for the Warner Music party. Presumably Georgie just wanted to ensure Lily avoided a (what-would-have-been-widely-deemed) “wardrobe malfunction” but by publicly plucking the star's nipple hair, she shed light on a regular, yet undiscussed, part of many women's beauty regimes. Nipple hair is common, normal, annoying at times, but also kind of hilarious – so why is it still so taboo?

Nowadays, certain types of body hair aren't just accepted among certain feminist milieu – they're a badge of honour. Furry armpits, fuzzy legs and silky forearms are now considered “cool” and even enviable by many women (and some men) – even if they still don't comply with mainstream women's body and beauty standards. But nipple hair? Have you ever heard another woman in the public eye talk about theirs (let alone be as laissez-faire about the situation as Allen)? Us neither. Not all body hair is considered equal (and then there's the whole separate issue of women's facial hair).

Even body-positive campaigns and pro-body hair movements rarely mention, let alone celebrate, nipple hair. The focus of this year's “Januhairy” campaign, which saw women ditch their razors and cancel their wax appointments for the first month of the year, was largely on the more socially palatable leg and arm hair. “I just want women to feel more comfortable in their own beautifully unique bodies,” Laura Jackson, the 21-year-old Exeter University student who founded the movement, told the BBC, making no mention, for example, of toe hair, belly hair or, indeed, nipple hair. But maybe we shouldn't be surprised; we're living in a world where the world's first razor advertising campaign depicting a woman with actual body hair went live only last year.

Women's nipple hair is dubbed “an awkward and embarrassing problem” by the tabloid press, while Allen has been since been deemed a “scrote” by a Twitter troll following her Story, and accused of revealing “TMI” by a Canadian showbiz website. Yet based on anecdotal evidence, it's common: just look at all the medicalised articles answering “yes” to the question “Is women's body hair normal?” on Google. So why isn't it simply considered a standard part of being a woman, with all the hormonal changes and imbalances that that can entail over one's lifetime?

Hairy nipples can sometimes be a sign of medical conditions including polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), which affects an estimated fifth of women in the UK, and Cushing's syndrome, a rarer condition caused by too much cortisol in the body. If anything, your nipple hair could be a helpful hint to get yourself medically checked out. And if you get rid of it, that's cool too (it's perfectly safe to remove your nipple hair). But the option is always there to shout about it on social media, too.

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Warning: This story contains spoilers for Leaving Neverland, as well as graphic details about alleged sexual assaults.

I was three years old when the first allegations of sexual abuse surfaced against Michael Jackson in 1993, 13 when he was arrested on a new batch of charges in 2003, and 15 when his highly publicised trial began in 2005. I vividly remember the day he died in June 2009. I was at my summer job at a shoe store in Montreal, and my boss cried.

That timeline means two things: First, that I missed the peak of the pop superstar’s fame (circa 1982 to, roughly, 1991), that moment when he was well and truly untouchable, on top of the world. But also, that for the near entirety of my life, Jackson has been a suspected pedophile. For me, it’s an enormous asterisk to his legend, the caveat that lurks in the back of my mind whenever “Thriller” plays.

As a result, I felt like I knew what I was getting into when I started Leaving Neverland, Dan Reed’s controversial documentary in which two men recount their personal experiences with Jackson as children, including alleged sexual abuse that they kept hidden until adulthood. But nothing — not Sundance hype, not news about Jackson fans protesting the content, or even Paris Jackson’s rumoured meltdown — can prepare you for 236 minutes (roughly four hours) of virtually uninterrupted, brutal testimony by James Safechuck and Wade Robson about the years of alleged abuse (starting at age 11 and 7, respectively) that has largely derailed their lives, and that of their families.

Both men met Jackson during the same year, in 1987. California native Safechuck wasn’t a fan but booked a job as Jackson’s counterpart on a Pepsi commercial when he was 10 years old. Australian-born Robson was mesmerised by the “Thriller” video, and taught himself to dance like Jackson so convincingly that he won at lookalike contest at the age of 5. The prize? A meeting with Jackson during his tour in Australia which morphed into a stage appearance for Robson. In both cases, the singer kept in touch, turning the boys into mascots of sorts, and inviting them on tour with him, and to his multiple residences, including Neverland Ranch, his massive, amusement-park-like property near Santa Barbara.

Ironically, neither Robson nor Safechuck had heard of each other until 2013, when the latter filed a lawsuit (four years after Jackson’s death) against MJJ Productions and MJJ Ventures for hosting the dance competition that led him to Jackson, and the ensuing alleged abuse. Robson’s admission prompted Safechuck to file his own suit against Jackson’s estate in 2014. (In the U.S., a person seeking damages for emotional trauma or personal injury has legal recourse even after the person allegedly responsible has died.) Both cases were dismissed in 2017. (For a complete timeline, head to Spin.)

As many of his fans have already pointed out, this means Jackson has thus far been cleared of all charges ever brought against him. (His 1993 case was settled for roughly $23 million, with amounts paid out in a trust fund for accuser Jordan Chandler, and lump sums for each of his parents, among others.) Still, those cold facts lose their potency when faced with the sheer amount of clinical, precise recollections by both Safechuck and Robson, many of which echo each other in unsettling ways.

The documentary will air on Channel 4 on March 6 and 7 in two parts.. And if you’re planning on watching, here’s a preview of what you can expect.

Graphic details of sexual assault

I cannot stress this enough. There’s a reason this will air in two separate parts. It is gruelling, and difficult to sit through. Sundance screenings featured mandated counsellors on call in the lobby for viewers who might need them, a luxury those watching at home won’t have. So, if you are worried you might be triggered, trust your gut.

Both Safechuck (now 40), and Robson (now 36), go into great detail about what they claim the singer asked of them sexually. A particularly gutting scene features Safechuck narrating a photo tour of the Neverland Ranch, listing the many, many rooms in which he and Jackson had sexual contact, and exactly what they did there. In another memory, of the first time Jackson showed him how to masturbate — at the age of 11 — he describes how his pre-pubescent penis became so inflamed from use that he had to dip it in warm water to soothe the pain. As for Robson, his memories of abuse begin even earlier, when, as a 7-year-old, he was invited to the Neverland Ranch after traveling to Hollywood from Australia. Robson describes Jackson sending him to a far corner of the bed, and then telling him to bend over and spread his butt cheeks so he could masturbate. His voice gets hoarse when he talks about the feeling of having an adult man’s penis inside his eight-year-old mouth. And it only escalates from there.

Voicemails and phone calls from Jackson to Safechuck and Robson

A guiding thread throughout the documentary is that Jackson would go through very intense phases of being infatuated with a boy — and in Safechuck and Robson’s case, their families — during which he would remain in near-constant contact. Take Robson, for example. He first met Jackson in 1987, after winning a dancing contest in Australia. (He would later become a sought-after choreographer, working with Britney Spears and N’Sync among others.) The singer, in Brisbane for his Bad tour, brought him up on stage for a dance routine. For the next two years, he called Robson nearly every day, keeping him on the phone for up to seven hours. He even asked the family to get a fax machine so that he could send them handwritten messages, and left heartfelt voicemails ending with “I love you.”

Reed includes a lot of these in the documentary, and, when presented in the context of Safechuck and Robson’s interviews, they are damning. (The high-pitched, sing-songy timber of Jackson’s voice doesn’t help to allay any feelings of discomfort.) Regardless of what you think of the validity of the sexual abuse claims, it’s hard to dispute that this international superstar comes off as a lonely and disturbed grown man seeking inappropriate solace in the attention of young boys.

Disturbing and candid footage and photos of the icon with small children

Reed purposefully kept the interview circle pretty closed off, which means that we get little context beyond Safechuck and Robson’s immediate experience, combined with the perspective of some close family members and their own spouses. (Jackson’s estate has issued a statement denying the allegations as false, and questioning the motives of Safechuck, Robson and Reed.)

But while that technique does immerse the viewer in their world, I’d argue it also limits the film’s ability to give a real sense of what it meant to be Michael Jackson in the late 80s and into the early 90s. Think Beyoncé + Taylor Swift + Ariana Grande + Rihanna, and then multiply that by a hundred. For people like myself, who grew up during his controversy-filled years, it can be difficult to fathom.

As a result, the sheer amount of public footage of the singer holding hands or in close contact with little boys — including child star Macaulay Culkin, who denies any abuse took place — really comes as a shock. The kind of behaviour depicted even in the film’s more innocent moments, like Jackson palling around on the set of a Pepsi ad with Safechuck in the late 80s, feels wrong. And without fully grasping just how powerful and beloved of a public figure Jackson was, it’s impossible not to constantly wonder how this was ever considered harmless.

The same goes for Jackson’s own childhood, which is alluded to by many, but never explained. It might be easier to understand the collective acceptance of a grown man wanting to “play” and spending his evenings watching movies and bingeing on popcorn, if his behaviour was put in the context of his early fame with the Jackson Five, and the rough treatment and physical abuse he was subjected to by his father, Joe Jackson.

That kind of context might also help elucidate why both families were so eager to host the man they viewed as a kind of lost boy. Safechuck and Robson’s mothers describe regarding Jackson as their son, and he clearly viewed these adults as the parental figures he lacked himself. Unposed pictures of him with both families appear like potential Christmas cards upon first viewing — but as the boys’ tales unfold, those same candid moments take on a much darker nature.

Interviews with the mothers and wives of both alleged victims

What makes Robson and Safechucks’s memories even more difficult to sit through is the fact that their mothers were often within earshot of what was going on. Joy Robson and Stephanie Safechuck are brutally honest in the roles they unknowingly played in their sons’ alleged abuse. At one point, Stephanie even describes sneaking up to the door of the hotel room where James was staying with Jackson, and trying to hear what was going on. “They were playing,” she recalls.

The gut reaction to such testimony is disgust. How could these parents allow their young sons to be put in such situations? How could they fail their children in this way? The film doesn’t let them off the hook (and it shouldn’t) but it also tries to answer those difficult questions. One of the most interesting aspects of Leaving Neverland is the way it exposes the dangerous lure of fame by proxy. You get the sense that neither Joy nor Stephanie would have gone along with the kind of requests Jackson made had it been anyone else. They’re very candid about how special he made them feel, and how excited they were at the idea of what he could make happen for their sons, but also for them. Both claim they knew nothing of what was really going on. And yet, as the film reaches its second hour, they’re forced to grapple with their own failings, especially when confronted with interviews with Safechuck and Robson’s respective wives, who act as impartial observers, having not witnessed any of this firsthand.

Messy, complicated emotions

Neither of the men, nor their families, conceal the real affection and feelings they held for Jackson. Robson’s sister, who also grew up in Jackson’s orbit, tearfully describes how upset she was when she learned from a newscast that her “friend” had died in June 2009. Joy and Stephanie described Jackson as a surrogate child at multiple points throughout the film. When he died, Joy kept to her bed for weeks. (Stephanie, who was aware of her son’s story by then, says she celebrated.)

Describing the constant sexual contact of his early years with the singer, Safechuck says: “It sounds sick but it’s like when you’re first dating somebody, you do it a lot.”

Both men describe being in love with the singer, and wanting to participate in sexual acts to please him. It’s a jolting reminder of the insidious nature of child sexual abuse, so deftly portrayed in HBO’s The Tale just last year: victims often don’t consider that what they are experiencing as abuse until years later. For Robson and Safechuck, the turning point arrived when they themselves became fathers, and realised just how young they really were when all of this was allegedly taking place.

All of this is made even messier by the fact that Safechuck and Robson both testified in favour of Jackson at various points in his history of legal troubles — and forcefully denied that they were themselves abused — making them feel complicit in his alleged pattern of abuse, which they claim extended far beyond themselves.

The second half of the film is largely devoted to Safechuck and Robson coming to terms with their trauma, and the impact that Jackson has had on their lives. And regardless of what you as a viewer end up believing, Leaving Neverland is a powerful indictment of the perils of fame, and those who come too close to its glare.

If you have experienced sexual violence of any kind, please visit Rape Crisis or call 0808 802 9999.

Leaving Neverland will air on Channel 4 on March 6 and 7 in two parts.

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The success of movies like A Star is Born and Bohemian Rhapsody in 2018 are sure signs that moviegoers are hungry for music-themed films right now. Enter Rocketman, the Elton John biopic that, by the looks of its newest trailer, promises to be full of heart, high-drama, and larger-than-life glam.

Rocketman stars Taron Egerton as Elton John and follows the British rock legend through his teens and early career up to the pinnacle of his success in the 1970s. But perhaps “biopic” is the wrong word. Compared to other films about the lives of major musicians, Rocketman is much more fantastical, according to Egerton.

“Everyone thinks it’s a bio-pic,” told Collider last year. “It isn’t. It’s a fantasy musical, so it’s actually his songs used to express important beats in his life at emotional moments. He’s not the only character that sings. It’s going to be fun.”

In the trailer, elements of this surrealism jump out, including images of John swimming to his younger self underwater and a scene in which he, as a child, conducts a full orchestra in his bedroom.

The trailer also highlights the moments of strife and tension that plagued John in his career, including his sexuality, feelings of loneliness, as well as his drug use.

Rocketman will hit UK cinemas on May 17.

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Many young girls dream about their wedding day — they think about their dress and their partner. They imagine the venue where they’ll dance and the smiling people who'll fill the space. But as a child, all I used to dream about was being a mum. When I was younger, I wanted five kids. I couldn't wait until it was my turn. I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember.

And then it happened.

When I was 29, I became pregnant for the first time. It wasn't planned, but it was more than welcome, and I was confident that life was unfolding just as I had planned. But amidst the anticipation, in the sixth month of my pregnancy, we lost our baby. We found out around the fifth month that she was very sick and was most likely not going to make it. I was 25 weeks when I lost her. I've never experienced anything like that feeling in my life, and I had a very hard time recovering from it.

In the aftermath, I felt that the only thing that would make me feel better was getting pregnant again, but we soon found out it was going to be difficult because I had a genetic issue that would likely complicate any future pregnancies or cause my babies to be sick. My doctors advised against getting pregnant naturally, and suggested I do IVF, in-vitro fertilisation. That process took over a year and a half, but after tons of emotional ups and downs, I finally found out I was expecting a healthy miracle baby girl due February 21, 2017. I felt like my turn had finally come.

Other than severe morning sickness during the first trimester, it was relatively smooth sailing up until around six months of pregnancy. I remember it so vividly: I was getting a pedicure and I looked down at my feet, only to realise they were abnormally swollen. They didn't look like they belonged to me.

That's strange, I thought as I stared at them. See, based on my pre-natal reading and research, I thought swollen feet only happened in the eighth month of pregnancy, towards the very end. And the next day, when I told my doctor, she said I must’ve eaten something salty. She said that salty foods, and the current heat (it was 90 degrees that week), meant that I was experiencing some edema, which is intense swelling and inflammation.

“Nothing to worry about at all,” she replied.

But when the temperature dropped, my swelling didn’t wane.

But when the temperature dropped, my swelling didn’t wane. The next few weeks went by, and I started to slow down. Walking, even up a small set of stairs, started to become more difficult. Even walking on a flat surface was hard. I didn’t want to move, I didn't want to go anywhere at all. I kept thinking, So many of my friends who were pregnant were able to get around just fine. That's when I started to realise something might not be right.

As I got bigger, things got much worse. Towards the very end of my pregnancy, I was unable to walk at all. My feet were in so much pain. They looked like elephant feet. But at every visit, I asked my doctor, “Can you please look at my feet? They hurt. They're not okay. I'm not okay. What is going on here?” And my doctor kept saying, “Oh honey, that's just pregnancy!” So I trusted her. Even though I was worried, I knew that swollen feet and moving slower than usual were symptoms that happened at some point during pregnancy. I told myself that I was just experiencing them more intensely than most.

My doctor kept saying, “Oh honey, that’s just pregnancy!” So I trusted her.

The week before my baby shower, I felt what I thought were contractions — I was in pain all over. But this time, my doctor didn’t dismiss my symptoms. She suspected I had developed late onset gestational diabetes. So she told me that after the weekend, I should come in and get my blood sugar tested. I had my baby shower that Sunday, and on Monday I had my husband take me to get the blood test. I had a meeting at the office that morning, so I figured I'd pop in to get the test and go straight there. Little did I know, we wouldn't be going anywhere that day.

When I got to the doctor’s office, the nurse took my blood pressure and a urine sample, which is protocol when you're pregnant. We didn’t even have to get the blood test done — right away, the nurse noticed my blood pressure was high and that I had protein in my urine. Those are the two main signs of the pregnancy condition preeclampsia, which is marked by high blood pressure and protein in urine. She told me I had to rush to the hospital to get monitored. She also told me there was a 75% chance that they were going to have to induce my labour that day.

I was three weeks early, so beyond the shock of having my baby early, I was logistically unprepared. I remember thinking, What? The baby's furniture hadn't even been delivered yet, and I didn't have my hospital bag packed.

I got to the hospital and was hooked up to monitors right away. The nurses there monitored me for four hours to see if I had another high blood pressure reading. If I did, then I definitely had preeclampsia, and they were going to have to take the baby out right away. It turned out that I didn't end up having another high blood pressure, but I wasn't leaving. I told my doctor I wouldn't go home. I felt sick and I couldn't imagine going one more day (let alone three weeks) living like this. Every part of my body hurt. She spoke to my high risk doctor, and they decided that it was probably best to induce me.

I got induced at 7 p.m. that Monday — the day after my beautiful baby shower and just hours after my doctor told me to come in for blood sugar testing.

I got induced at 7 p.m. that Monday — the day after my beautiful baby shower and just hours after my doctor told me to come in for blood sugar testing. The labor wasn’t easy. I hurt everywhere. It was hard for me to hold my breath during contractions when they told me to, and I just felt so sick inside. My gut, as it had been for a while, was telling me something was not right. But what did I know, really? I had never been through this. I guess that's just what labor is. It’s not supposed to be fun, I told myself. But deep inside I wasn’t entirely convinced.

After 17 hours of labor I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Kate Kasher. My husband and I were in heaven. Our little miracle that we had been waiting for was finally here. The nightmare was behind us, and we were so relieved.

A few hours after she was born, I was moved to my postpartum room. Some family and friends came by the hospital. During that time, one of the nurses came in and told me that Kate was breathing a bit too fast and would be taken up to the neonatal intensive unit. Immediately, my husband threw up. I started having a panic attack. All I could think was, how is this happening? I thought we were in the clear and the nightmare was over. I need my baby girl to be ok. I cannot go through this again.

The nurses took her to the NICU. They soon told us that Kate had extra fluid in her lungs and had to be hooked up to oxygen. The doctors told me she that this was something they'd seen before, and it's often reversed itself.

I barely slept that night. When I woke up the next day, I felt a bit lightheaded. I also forgot to take my antidepressant the day before. I usually get lightheaded and a bit nauseous if I miss a dose, so I kept telling myself that was the problem. I took my medicine and shortly after my nurse took me to go see Kate in the NICU. As he was wheeling me to the elevator, the entire room started spinning. I began seeing spots. I told him he needed to turn back around and bring me to my bed, and that I wasn't feeling okay.

My Ob/Gyn called my room and asked me about my symptoms. After I described them, she told me she thought I had a blood clot on my lungs. She ordered a CT scan for me, and they sent me downstairs to get it. The CT scan didn't show a clot, but it did reveal some excess fluid surrounding my heart. My doctor called and said they were going to give me some medicine that would help me rid my system of the fluid and that I should start to feel better.

But when I got the medicine, I started to feel worse — not better.

But when I got the medicine, I started to feel worse — not better. I had been moved back into my postpartum room and was getting ready to go to bed when I really started to have difficulty breathing. I asked the nurse on-call if I could get some oxygen, since I had tightness in my chest. They hooked me up to oxygen under my nose and told me that I was probably just having a panic attack because of everything going on with the baby. I begged the nurse to stay close to me that night. I told her I really didn't feel well and that I was scared. She sat by my side until I fell asleep.

Around 5 a.m., I was woken up by a team of doctors — including my Ob/Gyn — standing around my bed. They told me my oxygen levels had dropped severely overnight and that they had to take me to the other part of the hospital to do some testing. They wheeled me to get an echocardiogram. As I was sitting there with the same six doctors around me, breathing got harder and harder. Before I knew it, I was gasping for air. I made a motion to the nurse to give me an oxygen mask.

Within seconds, I was moved to a gurney. About 10 more people rushed in as I was hooked up to a huge mask and taken to the intensive care unit. I remember the entire thing so vividly. When I got to the ICU, I was hooked up to an even bigger mask and had about five monitors behind me. A nurse came in, put a catheter in me, and started draining fluid from my body. Within about 30 minutes, five litres of fluid had been removed from me and I started breathing normally again. To put things into perspective, they drained about 25-40 pounds of fluid from my body. I gained 80 pounds during my entire pregnancy. Almost half of it was fluid.

The entire cardiac team at the hospital showed up in my room. I knew it wasn't good.

“Was I dying? What was happening? When can I see Kate?”

All I wanted was to be healthy and be with my baby. The doctors introduced themselves and told me that I had just experienced heart failure.

Just like that.

They said my lungs had filled up with all of the fluid that my body had retained during my pregnancy, and that my heart had to pump extra hard to keep me alive. As a result, my heart became weak. They said it's a condition called peripartum cardiomyopathy, which is a rare form of heart failure that happens during pregnancy. This was not related to preeclampsia, although the symptoms are extremely similar. They told me I was very lucky: if I'd had a home birth, or if I was at a different hospital, I may not have survived. I couldn't believe my ears. I looked at my mother and my husband who were in the room with us and started crying. I just kept thinking about them, about my sister, about Kate, and what would happen to them if I had died.

All I wanted to know was that I was going to be okay.

All I wanted to know was that I was going to be okay. The doctors told me that they couldn't really give me an answer. We had to take it minute by minute and see how I was recovering. I was so scared. They kept looking at my ankles and the back of my neck to make sure the swelling had gone down. And, in the middle of all this ambiguity and fear — when my hormones were in flux and I wasn’t able to see my own daughter — they told me that I could never have a baby again.

I stayed in the ICU for two days and then was moved to the cardiac ICU floor. Everyone there was about 60-years-old or older. What the hell was I doing here?

I still had not seen Kate. Jake, my husband, used FaceTime to keep me connected to her, and traversed the hospital to visit us both. She was hooked up to all of these machines and so was I, and we could only see each other through a phone screen. All I wanted to do was hold her and tell her that we were going to be okay. But I couldn’t give either of us that reassurance.

Over the next five days, I was put on four heart medications and started to show improvement. Kate got released and sent home on February 5 — she was luckily 100% okay and recovered. The day before my birthday, February 7, my doctors all decided that I was well enough to go home too. That was the best news I had ever gotten, because for a few days I thought I was never leaving that hospital and was never going to see my daughter again.

I can't even describe the feeling I had when I walked into my front door. I was home with my husband, my baby, my family, and my dog — the people I never thought I'd be with again. It was the best day ever, but the road to recovery wasn’t complete.

I was told I could only have a litre of fluid a day (including water, coffee, soup, etc.) I had to watch my salt intake as well and have less than 1000 mg a day. For the first month home, I was pretty much scared to eat or drink anything, because I thought it would kill me. I was honestly too scared to do anything. I had major, major PTSD. I couldn't sleep.

I was a new mom and I could barely hold my daughter or even walk up the steps with her. Instead, I had to attend cardiac rehab three times a week for three months. There, I would be hooked up to a heart monitor while walking on a treadmill or doing some sort of light exercise. I wasn’t allowed to work out on my own or do any activity anywhere else.

And, as if all of this wasn't bad enough, I was left with tiny fractures all across my feet and toes from all of the swelling. I had to wear a boot on each foot for two months, and my heart took six months total to heal.

My daughter is now 2 years old, and I'm only finally starting to take care of her the way I've always wanted to. I can hold her for long periods of time, walk up the steps with her, and put her carseat in the car —all of the things that I never thought I'd be able to do again. It's still a bit challenging for me to care for her on my own, but I’m getting better at it every day. As long as I keep up the work to stay healthy, it's only going to get better and easier.

I am one of the lucky ones. I know it. I thank god every single day for that.

I am still on my heart medications, but I am one of the lucky ones. I know it. I thank God every single day for that. If there is anything I want to do in my life moving forward, it's to educate people on this condition and raise awareness because it is ridiculous how few people really know about PPCM. If women were able to read about it leading up to their pregnancy in books like What To Expect, or even in pamphlets at the doctor’s office — it could save their lives. I have seen and was given a million pamphlets at the doctor during my pregnancy. Why on Earth was this not one of them?”

I would have probably diagnosed myself with PPCM or maybe would have asked my doctor about it, had I known it existed. It is said to affect around 1 in 5,000 to 1 in 10,000 women or 1 in every 2000 women who give birth. Most women who experience this never get their heart back to a normal ejection fraction. They continue to live their lives on tons of medications and need to be monitored regularly.

I want to help women who are going through it and let them know that they're going to be okay. When I was diagnosed and so scared, I kept searching for things online that would make me feel better. I wanted to read people’s stories, I wanted people to relate to because I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone at all. I wanted to read success stories and know that things were going to be fine. My biggest message for pregnant women is that you need to be your own best advocate and take that role of a doctor for yourself.

If something is not right, if you don’t feel like yourself, and if your gut is telling you something is wrong…trust it.

If something isn't right, if you don't feel like yourself, and if your gut is telling you something is wrong…trust it. We all look to our doctors because they're the ones who should know these things and “they” are educated and smart. But you’re the one who knows what you’re feeling. You can speak to what you’re going through better than anyone. So, speak up. Don’t wait. Say it, because YOU know it.

And your life could literally depend on it.

I feel like I got a second chance at life. I look at my daughter every day and think about how she is nothing short of a miracle. She was by no means easy for me to have and I consider her a true gift. I've accepted the fact that I can't ever have a baby myself again. We definitely want to have more kids. When we are ready, we'll consider every option.

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Update (Feb. 22, 2019)

As of February 21, 2019, Herbal Essences was announced as completely cruelty-free, as authenticated by PETA.

This story was originally published on February 21, 2019.

As a lifelong vegetarian I’ve always considered myself ethically conscious. But taking a proper look through my ever-growing stash of beauty products recently, I discovered it’s an entirely different story. Behind the Instagram-worthy packaging and promises of better skin is an industry that exploits animals.

Even though there is an abundance of cruelty-free cosmetics brands out there, such as Lush, The Body Shop and Axiology, the market suffers from frustrating transparency issues. When it comes to cruelty-free beauty, there is a lack of international legislation, with brands that don't test on animals in the UK selling their products in China, where animal testing is required by law. Many companies, despite their persuasive marketing, have found loopholes in EU legislation such as third-party testing, international testing and separate ingredient testing. According to Leaping Bunny, “even the image of a bunny on a label may only refer to the finished product.” In other words, a lot of animal testing takes place in the initial stages of product development, for example when choosing ingredients. The only two certifiable sources are PETA’s Beauty Without Bunnies programme and Cruelty Free International’s Leaping Bunny certification. Combine this with preconceptions that cruelty-free beauty is expensive, hard to access and offers fewer choices, and seeking out cruelty-free products can be a chore.

But I wanted to discover how difficult it really is to go cruelty-free. And more importantly, whether it's possible on a high-street budget. The first step was to go through my existing products, which actually gave me an opportunity to Marie Kondo my collection. I discovered I already owned several cruelty-free buys I like and trust, which made building a new beauty routine far less daunting. Seeing the heap of 'cruel' products grow, I couldn't help but feel bad. Resisting freaking out and throwing them away, I chose to use them up and buy cruelty-free alternatives next time. Those unused I passed on to friends or gave to makeup donation charity, Give and Make Up.

Trawling through cruelty-free blogs for alternatives, I soon found myself overwhelmed, however. Many online sources offer conflicting information, every blogger seems to have a different opinion and companies' own websites can be misleading. I couldn't let that put me off, though. Here's how I did it.

Hair

I am surprised to find that my hair care go-to, Herbal Essences, is not cruelty-free despite its all-natural marketing. I head to Holland & Barrett and though slightly freaked out by some of the stranger skincare options (snail gel anyone?), I walk away with Dr. Organic Virgin Coconut Oil Shampoo, £6.39, and Conditioner, £6.39. Dr. Organic promises to be entirely vegan, cruelty-free and, obviously, organic. I cringe internally while handing over my card. This whole exercise may mean fewer cocktails on my next night out, but at least I’ll be guilt-free. You win some, you lose some.

Body

After a recommendation from a vegan friend, I download the Leaping Bunny app (a godsend for cruelty-free beginners) and a quick search tells me that my usual purchase, Original Source Shower Gel, £1.95, is vegan and cruelty-free. Score. I’m a big moisturiser advocate, especially during these colder months, and notice that Vita Coco Coconut Oil, £6.99, is cruelty-free, so pick it up at my local Boots. It's almost double the price of my usual Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula, £3.99, but as 100% cold-pressed coconut oil, it’s brilliant for my skin, doubles up as a facial cleanser, hair moisturiser and shaving cream. A little goes a long way and the 500ml pot lasts for ages. This is one of my favourite cruelty-free purchases and I intend to make it a staple.

For deodorant, I usually use Sure Woman but I can't tell if it's entirely cruelty-free, so I opt for Salt of the Earth Pure Aura Lavender and Vanilla Spray Deodorant, £5.99. This brand uses mineral salt crystals to stop the growth of odour-causing bacteria. It smells divine and has none of the nasty synthetic chemicals usually found in deodorant. I wear it for a full day at work and a particularly sweaty spin session; it doesn’t quite stand up to Sure, but I’m willing to look past this in favour of its ecological benefits.

Skincare

I'm so happy to find that many of my favourite skincare products (Glossier’s Milky Jelly Cleanser, £15, Pixi’s Rose Tonic, £10, and The Ordinary’s Buffet, £12.70), are 100% cruelty-free. I'm a sucker for a good face mask and need a replacement for my regular self-care treat, Garnier's sheet mask collection, as online blogs raise suspicions that the brand isn't cruelty-free. The Body Shop is one of the most vocal anti-animal testing brands and after hearing good things about their Himalayan Charcoal Purifying Mask, I splurge £17 on a pot, safe in the knowledge that it will last longer and be kinder on the planet than single-use sheet masks. It feels slightly tingly but leaves my skin feeling refreshed and looking bright. It really seems to draw out any impurities and after a week or two, a colleague tells me I'm “glowing”. This is one product I'll repurchase. I vow to check out The Body Shop’s other masks, too.

Makeup

With a little digging, it is not hard to find cruelty-free makeup on the high street. Big name brands such as Barry M, e.l.f, Revolution and GOSH are all examples. Superdrug’s own brand, B. Cosmetics, is wholly cruelty-free and vegan, while Primark’s beauty range has recently received Leaping Bunny status. Day-to-day, I don’t wear a lot of makeup, preferring a light base, touch of mascara and brow filler (Glossier Boy Brow, £14, which is also cruelty-free). After checking out YouTuber Cruelty Free Becky (brilliant if you're new to this), I opt for B. Flawless Silk Foundation, £4.99, a light, natural-looking foundation which lasts all day, and Lottie London Got It Covered Concealer, £4.95. I hadn't heard of this brand before but cruelty-free beauty bloggers rave about it. The coverage is brilliant, and it manages to disguise my dark circles better than my regular Rimmel Match Perfection Concealer, £6.49.

My verdict

I found cruelty-free shopping more expensive than usual but if you look hard enough, there is a huge range of purse-friendly, cruelty-free alternatives on the high street. Superdrug and Holland & Barrett are great for first-timers, but it’s key to do your research first. The Leaping Bunny app is brilliant, as you can check the credentials of brands as you shop. Forced to bypass my go-to products (many of which are major corporations with big stakes in the Chinese market), I discovered loads of brilliant independent, vegan brands, many of which are not only ethically better but also avoid harsh chemicals. Not only has opting for cruelty-free, natural and organic products soothed my conscience a little, it has also been kinder on my skin and hair.

With increasing awareness surrounding vegan and cruelty-free beauty, and proof that these products are just as good, if not a little pricier sometimes, I really hope consumer pressure forces more brands to consider their manufacturing processes and that, ultimately, this inspires much-needed changes in legislation.

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Nothing causes Sunday Scaries like the looming threat of a cluttered inbox on Monday morning. But in addition to causing stress, a disorganised inbox can also negatively impact your productivity at work. When your unread-email count goes up with every minute, it's hard to know what to respond to and when — and getting your day-to-day tasks done on top of email management can seem almost too difficult to juggle. So with the KonMari method on the brain, we wondered: If you can Marie Kondo your closet, friendships, and finances, can you do the same for your inbox?

We tapped the expertise of Laura Mae Martin, executive productivity advisor at Google, who leads a training at the company about this very topic. Below, she provided tips on how to stay on top of your inbox so that it “sparks joy” — well, to the extent that emails can spark joy!

Help! My inbox is so overwhelming I could cry! How can I organise my emails to make them more manageable and efficient?

“Inbox anxiety is a real thing! But there's hope. These are the three most important steps for wrangling your inbox, in this order:

“1) Stop seeing emails you don't need to see. Each time you touch an email, it drains a little bit of energy, so you should only touch those you need to see. Create filters or rules to have less important messages that don't deserve your immediate attention — like newsletters — skip the inbox or go directly into folders. Try using the filter ‘Has the words: unsubscribe’ so that this kind of mail skips your inbox.

“2) Create filter/label combinations or 'flags' so that emails you do need to see visually pop as they come in. For example, emails directly from your manager to you should have a different look than emails from your manager to the whole company. If you're in sales or recruiting, emails from your most important clients or candidates should catch your eye easily.

“3) Create buckets outlining what your next step is for all the emails that do come in. This is the equivalent of Marie Kondo’s 'put everything on the bed and then put it in piles' method. Your bed is your main inbox. Take your whole inbox and organise it into three categories: Assign things you need to respond to or act on to 'keep,' assign things you're waiting on someone else for to 'donate,' and assign things you don't need anymore (archive) to 'throw away.'”

How long is too long to go without responding to someone?

“I believe 24 hours is typically an appropriate amount of time to give some kind of response, but that can depend on your workload and the email. Remember that a response does not mean completing their request. Sometimes my response is: 'I'm working on a lot of projects right now, so I won't be able to get to this until the end of the month — just wanted to let you know!' But it's still a response, so they know they're not being ignored or that I haven’t missed their email. It also saves me from getting another email from them checking back in.”

What should I do before and after I go on vacation to help mitigate the inevitable coming-back-from-vacation inbox chaos?

“Before vacation, tie up any loose ends and make sure you give very specific instructions in your out-of-office [message], i.e., 'If this is urgent, resend with URGENT in the subject line' or 'If this needs a decision before I return, send to X person.' This way, it's not up to you to fish around for important emails while on vacation or upon your return. When you get back, give yourself some non-work time to go through your email so you feel prepared to return to a regular work day.

“You can also declare 'email bankruptcy' upon returning from a longer leave like maternity leave. Your out-of-office could say — 'I’m out of office and will be archiving all emails upon my return. If your request needs my attention after my return, please re-send after X date.' That way, you start fresh when you get back and fill in context by searching where you need to!”

What should I delete or archive? Is there a rule of thumb?

“The greatest thing about Gmail is the archive feature. It gives you a fourth option outside of inbox, delete, or folder/label. My advice is to only archive, unless you have space constraints. Then learn how to search Gmail really, really well and find emails quickly without having to check a folder or worry they’re in the trash!”

Are there any Gmail tools I can implement to help me stay focused on the task at hand and not overwhelmed by other clutter?

“One of my favourite Gmail features for this is snooze. It allows you to remove an email from your inbox and then bring it back at a specific time or date. This is a great way to keep an active inbox and only see emails you have a next action for. If you have an email that requires a response but you won't know the answer until after a meeting next Monday, snooze the email to next Monday! Snooze keeps the things you don't need hidden and, combined with filters, can make your inbox include important tasks only.”

How can I keep things that “spark joy” and part with things that do not?

“Let's be honest — most emails don't spark joy. But there are some exceptions! I keep a Smile File folder, which contains all the emails I've gotten that make me smile. My Smile File has anything from puppy pictures to people thanking me for helping them save so much time. When I'm having a particularly overwhelming day, I open that folder and it sparks a little joy.

“When it comes to your inbox, the sparking joy question is: 'Do I have a next action on this?' You should be asking yourself that with every email. If the answer is yes, immediately, put it in the corresponding folder (i.e. To Read). Many people open an email once but then mark it as unread again, confusing their brain as to whether it’s new or if they already saw it. If the answer is 'no next action,' archive or delete it. People get overwhelmed when they leave things around that they might need later or may want to reference one day. Those things don't have an immediate next action or spark joy, so they should be purged (right after you thank those emails for their service, like Marie Kondo does!).

“The real joy comes from having a tidy inbox that you’re on top of. It creates the calm feeling and mental headspace that stems from knowing exactly what you have to do and where to find what you need to do it. People tell me all the time they feel so much better and happier setting up this system — it's the positive energy from having your inbox space set up well!”

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As the major buzz around every new launch proves, Glossier has a knack for keeping fans on their toes — with their hands reaching for their wallets. Since launching in 2014, the brand has expertly built a cult of consumers dedicated to its minimalist makeup and skin care outfitted in millennial-pink packaging; in the past year alone, it's opened a permanent brick-and-mortar HQ, expanded its core complexion range, and even contributed to Beyoncé's look at last year's Grammy Awards.

But Glossier's most recent innovation is drumming up buzz for a different reason: Nobody knows what it is yet.

In true Glossier fashion, the brand and its founder, Emily Weiss, took to Instagram today to tease the launch of Glossier Play, a new beauty brand coming in March 2019. “After two years in the making, we can’t wait for you to see, touch, hear, swatch, and play with what’s to come,” the caption read, alongside a metallic animation of the “G” logo.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Glossier (@glossier) on Feb 22, 2019 at 6:18am PST

Naturally, fans flipped out at the news, and immediately began speculating. “Omg is it gonna be like a museum/ art exhibit type thing?!?!” a fan questioned. “I NEED COLOUR AND GLITTERRR,” another demanded (and honestly, same). Other fans wondered if Glossier Play could be a new social-commerce platform, as Bloomberg reported back in August. Whatever it is, you can bet it'll be a big hit. Follow along on Instagram, and keep your eyes open for more info on the news come March… and start saving your coins now, just in case.

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Fans of The L Word will be well aware of its highly anticipated return to TV. But will the show achieve the same cult following as it did when it began in 2004, when it had a captive audience of representation-starved queer women?

More than 10 years on from the final episode, LGBTQ+ communities have much higher expectations of how they’re portrayed in the media, even more so now that straight audiences are far more likely to see queer characters on screen, with mainstream series like Netflix’s Riverdale showcasing these narratives. Whether this increase in representation reflects real acceptance from wider society is hard to judge, but it’s clear that producers are keen to drive up viewer numbers by engaging with the LGBTQ+ demographic.

The L Word reboot has a new platform to educate and entertain but it has to make some adjustments before it can be the show that queer people have been waiting for.

When I was 18, after years of vaguely knowing that boys didn’t always cut it for me, I found myself searching for scraps of guidance; something equivalent to a “lesbianism for dummies”. Then I came across The L Word. As the first (and so far only) mainstream show to centre on the lives of lesbians, it seemed like the guide I was looking for. However when I emerged bleary-eyed from binge-watching all six seasons, I was disappointed. I had been out for approximately 2.5 seconds but I was already aware that The L Word’s coterie of almost exclusively femme, white queer characters was not representative of the IRL community.

The L Word’s coterie of almost exclusively femme, white queer characters was not representative of the IRL community.

My concerns are echoed by the other lesbians and queer people I've spoken to about the show's return, who regard it as something of a problematic fave. You can appreciate how the show helped normalise same-sex female desire while recognising that it isn't an accurate depiction of LGBTQ+ life. The series’ lack of trans women and pervasive bi-erasure are just two of the serious issues that, in 2019, make it dated and even difficult to watch.

One of the missteps that most stands out is the heavily stereotyped handling of the show’s only trans man, Max Sweeney (played by Daniela Sea), which also happened to be one of the first mainstream media depictions of its kind. As Max was originally introduced as a comedic foil to main character Jenny, this plotline — which could have been vital to those struggling with their gender identity — is not treated with the respect and sensitivity it requires. Max is also negatively stereotyped, shown as becoming aggressive when taking black market hormones, and forced to suffer gratuitous trauma, ultimately becoming pregnant after exploring a gay relationship, then denied an abortion and left by his boyfriend. Given the damage narrative decisions such as these can inflict in both the public consciousness and for LGBTQ+ individuals, The L Word reboot runs the risk of alienating the very demographic it wants to target unless it makes some changes.

I spoke to Cathy Keen, community and events manager for the dating app Feeld, and she thinks the reboot is still of vital importance in today’s landscape. “Any increase in representation is a step in the right direction since pretty much every other show is mainly focused upon cis-hetero storylines.” Cathy makes a valid point: mainstream shows devoted entirely to the queer community are long overdue and The L Word reboot provides an unparalleled opportunity to shrug off recent heteronormative depictions of lesbianism. You rarely hear discussions of even the common terms from queer culture — 'strap-on' and 'lesbian bed death' spring to mind here — in mainstream depictions of queer women, which suggests that they're written with the straight viewer in mind. Films like Disobedience seem hellbent on only depicting queer love (or lust) between white, gender-conforming women who are palatable to equally white, gender-conforming audiences. Not all representation is positive representation — something The L Word reboot needs to be conscious of.

Award-winning campaigner, speaker and writer Ellen Jones highlights more targeted ways in which the show could improve. She says more diverse storylines need to feature, especially for the differently abled. “I would like to see stories about queer disabled folks being told in particular, because I never get to see people like me and it is hard to feel like we exist at all. I want to see more stories told from as many different people in the room making the content as possible. The world is a diverse place – so why isn't our media?”

She adds that she’d like the reboot to avoid the original’s casting missteps, namely the decision for cis actress Daniela Sea to play trans man Max Sweeney. “I want to see trans characters being played by trans actors.” Ellen points to an industry-wide issue, one which I feel is unacceptable. It was painful that the original show, which aimed to speak for and to the queer community, did this in the first place. Katie Bowerman, a lesbian in her late 20s, seconds Ellen’s stance on casting and states that it should build upon the original’s choice to cast queer actresses like Leisha Hailey in roles which matched their real-life orientation: “I only want to see LGBT people in LGBT roles.”

The bi character is always either presented as ‘secretly gay’ or ‘secretly straight’. This is so damaging for bi people – it just reaffirms that we really don’t belong to either space.

Helen Sterling*, a bisexual woman in her 20s, takes issue with the original’s shoddy handling of bi narratives. Alice and Jenny are characters who served as strong bisexual voices in the first series but by the show’s final episode, seem to identify exclusively as lesbian. According to Helen, all this does is confirm the nasty stereotype that bisexuality is just a 'phase'. “Bi-ness in wider media is presented as a myth: the bi character is always either presented as 'secretly gay' or 'secretly straight'. This is so damaging for bi people of all ages – it just reaffirms that we really don’t belong to either space. The L Word fell into this trap with Alice and Jenny and I hope it does less of a disservice to bi people the second time round.”

While it is not uncommon for people’s sexual orientation to change over time, Helen is right to point out that the original L Word swerves any substantial commitment to representing the bi experience. It’s worth remembering that the show also indulges in pretty blatant biphobia: in one episode, Alice quasi-jokingly describes bisexuality as “gross” and when Tina dates a man in season 3, she is roundly criticised by her circle of lesbian friends.

Activist and visual artist Florence Given echoes Helen’s thoughts, and says she’d like to see “more queer/bi/pan relationships – I didn’t think bisexuality/being queer was valid because of the negative stereotypes associated around this identity. I was always told by my friends that bisexuals didn’t exist.” Additionally, she notes the need for a greater range of genders to be shown on screen. “It would be great to see some gender fluid/non-binary representation too.”

Thus far, it looks hopeful that the reboot could deliver something more in line with what these queer voices want to see. The show’s creator Ilene Chaiken has confirmed that a younger lesbian voice, Marja-Lewis Ryan, will be taking over the directorial reins to give The L Word something of a millennial makeover. Apparently we can expect more of the “sexy stories about sex” which hooked audiences in the '00s, but now from the perspective of someone who is “keenly attuned to the issues of representation and inclusivity”. It sounds like a step in the right direction, allowing us to hope that The L Word reboot can deliver on what its stans and potential fans really want, without falling back into the original’s problematic patterns.

*Surname has been changed

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Ellen Page has consistently spoken out against homophobia inside and outside Hollywood: from discussing Mike Pence’s anti-LGBTQ history to calling out Chris Pratt for attending Zoe Church. Now, in an interview with Porter magazine, she’s sharing how people in the film industry pressured her not to come out.

Page explained that, after she filmed Juno, which was released in 2007, rumours about her sexuality began to be covered in the tabloids. “I was 20, I had just fallen in love for the first time with a woman, and I was still navigating my own stuff, while people were writing articles headlined: ‘Ellen Page’s sexuality sweepstake,’” she said. “There was a tabloid magazine that I saw at every checkout, in every gas station, with a picture of me on the cover, and the question: ‘Is Ellen Page gay?’” She added that the media coverage was “detrimental to my mental health.”

Juno catapulted Page to a new level of fame — and people in Hollywood began warning her not to come out. She said, “I was distinctly told, by people in the industry, when I started to become known: ‘People cannot know you’re gay.’ And I was pressured – forced, in many cases – to always wear dresses and heels for events and photo shoots.” She added, “As if lesbians don’t wear dresses and heels. But I will never let anyone put me in anything I feel uncomfortable in ever again.”

At the time, Page felt like she’d never be able to come out. “I remember being in my early 20s and really believing it was impossible for me to come out,” she said. “But, over time, with more representation, hearts and minds have been changed. It doesn’t happen quickly enough and it hasn’t happened enough, particularly for the most marginalised in the community. But things have got better.”

Today, she said, the prospect of coming out in Hollywood feels “completely different.” She herself came out in 2014, in a memorable speech at a Human Rights Campaign conference. In the Porter interview, she explained that she came out in part because “I felt, and I feel, a sense of responsibility. I want to be able to help in any way I can, and I want to make queer content.”

Page has been doing just that ever since, starring alongside Julianne Moore in 2015’s Freeheld, creating the docu-series Gaycation, and appearing in the upcoming Netflix limited series Tales of the City, which she noted “offers a lot of representation.” The cast and crew includes trans and nonbinary folks, including actress Daniela Vega and director Silas Howard. However, she added, “there’s still so little out there” when it comes to depictions of LGBTQ people in the media.

In the Porter interview, Page also spoke about her love for her wife, dancer and choreographer Emma Portner. The two got married in early 2018. “I’m so in love,” Page said. “I love being married. I’ll be walking my dog, and I start talking to people, and I end up telling them about my wife and making them look at our Instagram. I’m that person.”

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What does it take to become one of the biggest stars in the world? For some, it’s ruthless management, exposed midriffs, and a lifetime of dance rehearsals. For Lady Gaga, it’s a push for artistic expression wrapped in the catchiest hooks and most raw acting roles. With every iteration of that expression — be it wearing a meat dress or a becoming a vampire on TV — comes a new and creative beauty look that must meet Gaga’s standard of creativity.

That’s where Lady Gaga’s longtime makeup artist Sarah Tanno comes in. Whether churning out fresh, unexpected looks for Gaga’s pop-star persona or the TV and film characters she plays, the beauty pro, who won an Emmy for her makeup work on American Horror Story and a Hollywood Makeup Artist and Hair Stylist Guild Award for A Star Is Born, rises to the occasion every time.

Ahead, the global artistry ambassador for Marc Jacobs Beauty shares how she does it, what it’s been like prepping Gaga for this week's Oscars, and how hustling through the hard knocks can get you everywhere. The following interview was told to Erika Stalder and edited for length and clarity.

Finding Gaga

I had moved to New York from LA after a breakup. I was almost broke, trying to make it all happen, shooting editorials and struggling. I didn’t want to ever do celebrities — I was a fashion makeup artist. I remember watching the VMAs in 2009 when she performed “Paparazzi” and Kabuki, the makeup artist, did her makeup. She was hanging from the rafters, dripping in blood, and I was like, Oh, that girl is badass. If I could work with anyone, it would be her.

The next day I was back at the MAC counter where I was working and we were all talking about it, and I said, “I know I said I didn’t want to work with celebrities, but I would die to work with her.” And it was so crazy — literally 20 minutes later I had a Facebook message from her manager at the time, who I knew from having worked with Fergie on a couple of things. She asked if I would be interested in working with Lady Gaga and if I wanted to come meet her in Washington to do her makeup for the last couple shows of the Fame Ball tour.

It was crazy because she wanted me to do hair, too. I went to hair school and I can do regular hair, but this is Lady Gaga. I was not trained or ready to do the level of hair that Gaga needed. I totally faked it. Billy B., who was working with her for everything at that time, came in and wanted his assistant to take over the tour and do Gaga with the look he created. Gaga didn’t want to lose me completely, so she asked me to come on board and do her dancers. I was really bummed out at the time, but I took the hit.

Sticking It Out

People are like, “Oh, you’ve worked for Gaga for 10 years,” but I haven’t really. I’ve been part of her team for 10 years, doing her dancers on tour, but people don’t understand that a lot of other people did her makeup at that time. I’ve had a rough time getting to where I am. It did not come easily to me and it took years and years of struggling and failing, but I loved it and lived and breathed it because there was no other option for me. I want people to know that if it takes 10 years to get a job, that’s normal. It took that long for me, too.

For five years, I just did my homework and studied and watched what she liked, what she didn’t like, and what worked on her face — and that helped me to develop my style, and it taught me a lot about makeup and what I love. I had to do a lot of homework to keep up with her because her references are so incredible and she’s such an artist. It wasn’t an easy process, but I earned her trust, and I’ve been full time with her since 2014.

Loyalty Pays Off

I’m a loyal person, but I have to say she is just the most loyal person — she is someone who really believes in her team and fights for her team and opens so many doors. She tried for a month to [arrange for] me to do the makeup for her Vogue cover. A lot of artists won’t do that for their team. And because of that, I just shot my second Vogue cover with Hailey Bieber. I would never be put in those life-changing positions if she didn’t open those doors. That says a lot about her loyalty and how much she believes in the people around her. Vogue is every makeup artist’s dream.

She does so much for us and gives back so much to her team. We just won the Make-Up and Hair Stylists Guild Award for Best Contemporary Makeup for A Star is Born. She was so proud — she sent me the most beautiful card and beautiful flowers that were in the shape of a lipstick. She’s always so supportive.

Mining References

With references, Gaga’s so good at that kind of thing, and we use them as a team to communicate. She would reference her good friend Daphne Guinness or Alexander McQueen’s older runway shows and that whole group of friends she was close to, Isabella Blow and Philip Treacy — and that would give me an idea of the feeling of the makeup she wanted, not necessarily something so literal but the intention and the feelings of the looks that we’re about to create together. Those became some of my favourite things to reference.

We all love Daphne’s style, and she was one of the influences in Gaga’s American Horror Story character The Countess. Originally [the show creators] wanted just one classic look for Gaga the whole season, this beautiful old-Hollywood makeup, and we just weren't down with that, so I had to show them [another way]. The first day going into that character, I bleached out the brows and did a light gloss on her eyes, which made her kind of creepy, and they loved it. I came up with 68 original makeup looks for the show. Because she was a vampire and had to go through all these different time periods, there was a lot of research and they shot out of order and it was sometimes three or four looks a day. It was a hard show, but so rewarding — I still can’t even believe that I have an Emmy [for the work].

Gaga’s Test Kitchen

I really do a lot of research and homework even if it’s doing a more mild face, whether it’s watching old movies or looking through books — that’s what helps me get into the vibe of whatever I’m doing. I have an incredible book collection and don’t like to really look online as much.

When I plan for the bigger events, I show up to fittings — most makeup artists are like, what? You have to go to a fitting? I’m like, Absolutely. I want to know what I’m walking in on, I want to be prepared. It’s extra work, but it makes you feel so much better to be part of a moment of choosing what that look is going to be. Then I go back to my creative space and figure it out.

I try so many different things and really test on myself. I have to see the texture, how the makeup moves and how it feels, so a face chart doesn’t necessarily do it for me. I need to do it on a face. So sometimes I’ll call one of my dancer friends over and they’ll sit with me because they have so much fun doing it. Sometimes I nail it right away, sometimes it takes several tries.

Storytelling With Every Look

With the number of looks we create, it’s a fast pace, but I live for it. It always starts with her. It’s thinking about, what is she wearing? What’s the story we’re telling? What’s the intention? What is the hair? What is the makeup? Is the intention to blow people away? Is it to be more pulled back? Then I go back and really think about it.

Usually I’m working closely with Frederic Aspiras [Gaga’s hair and wig art designer]. He and I have worked together for so long, we have a system. We see what she’s wearing; if it’s a big red carpet or something, we’ll talk about things that she might have said about how she wants to feel. Then we’ll create in our own spaces and we’ll meet up and talk about it again before we present anything to her. Once we get her feedback from what we’ve done, we elevate from there.

When Less Is More

Sometimes it’s about not overdoing it, and the Grammys look was one of the easiest red carpets I’ve ever done. I always want to do more for the Grammys, but she knew exactly what she wanted the moment she put that dress on. We all wanted her to really feel Gaga but also have a little gritty rock n' roll, like she slept in her makeup and wore it the next day.

First I used the Marc Jacobs Beauty Blacquer Highliner Gel Eye Crayon and went really heavy on the outer corners of her eye, and took a brush and just messed it all up. Then I went over it again with Marc Jacobs Beauty Magic Marc’er in Blaqcuer to make it look almost wet and left the eye pretty much opened. I added a little bit of the black colour in the Marc Jacobs Beauty Eye-Conic Steel(etto) Palette to make it look even smokier and grittier, and that was it. I didn’t use any mascara or false lashes. I left skin really clean with the Marc Jacobs Beauty Shameless Youthful-Look 24 Hour Foundation SPF 25 with a little bit of Marc Jacobs Beauty O!Mega Bronze and Marc Jacobs Beauty Enamored Hi Shine Gloss Lip Lacquer in Cream & Sugar just so her lips looked really healthy — no lip liner, balm or anything. It’s the least amount of products I’ve ever used on a red carpet — just really simple, but very Gaga.

The Oscars Strategy

I’ll start my makeup tests for the Oscars the Thursday before, and I’ll continue to test until Sunday. I’ll test the look on myself, then test it on her when she goes to rehearsal, just so I can see it in a different light and on stage —then I’ll know exactly what I need to tweak so I can do the best version for her on Sunday.

This is something she’s been looking forward to her whole life, so I want the look to be timeless and I want her to feel like the most beautiful person in the world. I want to create something that she’s not only going to love on Sunday, but something that she can look back on in photos 20 years from now and still love just as much. With big moments like this, it all has to be true to being Gaga and true to the moment.

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It was a regular Friday night and while my friends descended to our favourite grotty local for a pint or their living room sofas to binge Dirty John, I found myself poised in lotus position, about to embark on a tantric orgasmic workshop.

When my mate invited me to Tara yoga centre’s orgasmic journey workshop, curiosity got the better of me. What was tantra? Would the workshop be like a Wild Wild Country group orgy? Would I be sat beside the woman who can orgasm for 18 hours just by hugging her partner? Would it be as intense as watching ADAM trying to hit E flat before they hit the big O? So many questions, so much intrigue – there was only one way to find out.

Tara's three-part orgasmic journey workshop series focuses on taking participants on “a journey towards more pleasure, fulfilment, self-awareness and happiness”. Their three-hour “Heaven in the Bedroom” session, held in separate classes for women and men, specialised in giving participants a better understanding of their anatomy and awakening their full orgasmic power. As a sexual person who loves mixing things up in the bedroom, while I can’t say I’d ever adopted a spiritual approach like tantra before, I’m always up for trying something new.

Our workshop started with our mellifluous teachers, Marilena and Kate guiding us through a meditation before getting down to more tantralising things. Marilena and Kate began debunking the myth that tantra is just about sex; tantra is a spiritual practice which aims to provide us with a network of tools which, once put into practice, can lead to liberation (bear with me here). Each set of tools harnesses different energies to access higher consciousnesses. Tantra’s about being more present in our mind, soul and body – finding empowerment in vulnerability, silencing our inner critic and embracing all the different elements which make us whole.

Tantra breaks down the barriers between sex and the beautiful and sublime – often perceived as mutually exclusive in Western thought. Marilena acknowledged how our society annexes eroticism as “a kinky thing done behind closed doors, that everyone’s interested in but no one really wants to talk about openly” – which makes the hypocrisy of an estimated $97 billion dollar porn industry even more obscene.

Our teachers touched on the difference between having sex and making love. We’ve all been there – having soulless sex, eyes boring into the cracks in the wall as you wonder if your room would look better with a cheese plant. At the other end of the spectrum, 'making love' has become synonymous with James Blunt crooning “You’re Beautiful” or Eyal Booker having a DMC with just about anyone. Tantra aims to bridge that gap, creating more meaningful sex while keeping the passion alive.

One concept I struggled with was how the yoni (female genitalia) is sacred and worshipped in tantra. We were told we could make ours a shrine if we liked – personally, I couldn’t see this happening.

One concept I struggled with was how the yoni (female genitalia) is sacred and worshipped in tantra. We were told we could make ours a shrine if we liked – personally, I couldn’t see this happening. Asked when was the last time we admired ours in the mirror, the ensuing silence spoke volumes. So what better way to reconnect with our yonis than being shown artistic representations of them on a massive screen?

We were shown successive watercolour paintings of promiscuously plump tulips and suggestively sumptuous fruits, and I could appreciate these were beautiful. Then suddenly – bam! – there’s a giant image of a wet yoni on the screen, accompanied by two juicy pomegranates. We were asked how this made us feel; answers ranged from uncomfortable and awkward to empowered, feminine and beautiful. Me? Conflicted (it ain’t no tulip). Marilena summed it up perfectly: “It’s daunting for the lights to be switched on in an area of our lives they’re normally switched off.”

Our teachers recognised this awkwardness stems back to sex education – so are you ready to go back to school? We all know about the G-spot and clitoral orgasm, but did you know we have an A, P and U-spot, each producing a different sensation when stimulated? Asking friends if they’d be able to tell the difference, they answered with a resounding “no”, which came as no surprise. My sex education was pretty much: If you have sex, you will get pregnant and die. The pleasurable element was completely ignored. When our teachers spoke about being penetrated by the cervix, my eyes bulged in alarm. To clear up any confusion, the cervix can’t be penetrated by a penis, but can be stimulated by touch or a well-endowed partner tapping it – although this is usually painful at first.

After spotlighting the (many) gaps in our knowledge, we ended the first half of the workshop with an exercise, lying down and contracting our pelvic floor muscles for approximately 7 minutes. Once this was over, we were asked how we felt. One woman spoke breathily, as if her every syllable was drifting away on clouds; she said if the meditation had gone on any longer, she would have reached climax.

Now seemed like a good time for a break.

In the second half, things got even more experimental. Our teachers addressed how central transfiguration is to tantra, reiterating the importance of regarding ourselves and our partners as gods and goddesses in the bedroom; harnessing our sexual energy to embody higher states of being. After walking around the room, grounding our feet to the earth, we had to stop and face the woman closest to us, maintaining her gaze for five minutes as we regarded her as a goddess, appreciating her beauty and generating thoughts of loving kindness. We repeated this extremely awks situation not once, but four times. Initially the intimacy was too much to bear; afterwards, as we broke eye contact and embraced each other, relief washed over me. As women we have a tendency to criticise and compare ourselves with other women, which creates separation; once we suspend judgement, we begin feeling more connected to one another. The more we practised this, the easier it became.

Next, we lay down on a mat, placing one hand on our heart and one hand above our yoni to feel the connection between the two. We were then instructed to slowly and tenderly caress our bodies with our fingertips. The class ended with us forming a large circle on the floor and embracing one another. Having been pushed completely out of my comfort zone, into unavoidably awkward scenarios where I couldn't be sure how I felt, afterwards I felt reenergised and calm, as if my defences had been dropped.

While I struggled with tantra’s elevated terminology of gods, goddesses and sacred yonis, many other elements resonated. Tantra encourages women to embrace and feel fully empowered in our bodies; considering we’re accustomed to policing them on a daily basis, this is no easy feat. By breaking down these barriers, I began feeling compassion for the other women in the workshop, which manifested in a greater acceptance of myself. I loved the idea of becoming more engaged with my body and receptive to all the different nuances of sensations, without getting swept away in the moment. Most importantly, I now know I have an A, P and U-spot.

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Bradley Cooper sits on a bus in a terrible tight leather jacket, bootcut frayed jeans and aviator shades. It’s an outfit of tough-guy cool circa 1998, though we appear to be somewhere around 2014.

“Jean-Luc, my mentor,” Bradley drawls, “the guy who gave me a chance as a chef, said to me it was God who created oysters and apples. And you can’t improve recipes like that. But it is our job to try.”

A bluesy riff kicks in, Bradley gets off the bus – he is in New Orleans. We learn in voiceover that he was a once-great chef whose demons – wild temper, booze, drugs, women, le gueuleton! – chased him out of Paris. Then, it seems, he fled to America’s most debauched city to get clean.

There he has set himself the penance of shucking a million oysters at a low-key looking restaurant. I’m not sure shucking a million oysters is an internationally recognised act of penance but we are where we are. Bradley keeps a tally in his notebook – counting off the oysters like a prisoner marking time on a cell wall. “One million,” he declares aloud with triumph and eats the final one himself: then he walks out of the restaurant, saying nothing to no-one. He’s still a bad-boy chef – from nose to tail.

This is Burnt.

The film is a BC vehicle that passed through cinemas with barely a flambé of attention and lukewarm-to-outright bad reviews in 2015 (though it made a modest profit at the box office). In the last few years, however, a bunch of Burntheads have sprung up – well, enough of us to make a significant number of covers at a restaurant – all mildly obsessed with this brilliantly terrible film. Mention Burnt to the right person and their eyes will flame with delight, recalling its cosmic badness. It’s a bit of insider knowledge that not everyone has glommed on to yet, like knowing about a great little restaurant off the beaten track.

Right now we’re at the end of awards season and Bradley Cooper has been taking his somewhat leathery-looking face around the red carpets. The man himself cuts a more disconsolate figure of late as it becomes clear that his critical and commercial smash hit revival of A Star Is Born may not pick up all the Oscars he clearly intended it to – and seemed likely to a couple of months back. Cooper declared himself embarrassed not to have secured a Best Director nomination, “I felt I hadn’t done my job,” he said.

What’s been clear throughout the process is that Bradley Cooper is a very serious performer indeed – and this self-seriousness can be seen starting to simmer in Burnt. Though Cooper only acted in the earlier film, not the writer-director-producer-singer-lighting-and-costume-designer of the latter, to me Burnt is where you see the A Star is Born version of Cooper crystallise. He plays a damaged but brilliant man; there’s a ingenue-protegee-love interest who may one day surpass him; it has an impressive ensemble cast and film pedigree that may have led all involved to think they were making important, award-winning fare. But while the world thinks A Star is Born is a great film (except the Academy, it seems), no one will confuse Burnt with a good film, despite lofty intentions.

It’s also amusing to note that fans who take to Spotify to listen to the A Star is Born soundtrack will notice on the Bradley Cooper artist page, another track by the man himself – “Ode to a Sous-Vide” from the Burnt soundtrack: the bizarro vocal performance is the centrepiece of the emotional crux of the film – it is part of both the best and worst scene in the movie, and arguably the most unintentionally funny moment in 21st century cinema (we’ll return to this).

But all this is mere amuse-bouche, aperitif and starter to the mains now sitting warmed at the pass: that is, Burnt is fucking terrible. Spectacularly so.

I’ve never been one for so-bad-it’s-good films – life seems too short to actually watch The Room. Some friends, however, had been alerting me to Burnt’s inverse greatness. One night, unable to get to sleep, I decided to watch a film: I was too tired to look at something, you know, good, so I decided it was time to believe the hype and taste Burnt.

Minutes in and I was enjoying the hell out of it – but not really in the way the filmmakers may have intended. To borrow a line from Anthony Lane’s famous review of Indecent Proposal: “As I watched these early scenes, I began to tremble with anticipation: this could be the great bad film of our time …”

Whereas The Room was made by an amateur with little understanding of the mechanics of cinema, creating in the end almost outsider art, Burnt has accomplished, safe pairs of hands all over it. The director, John Wells, has worked on the likes of ER and The West Wing, as well as directing August: Osage County and Love and Mercy. Stephen Knight, the writer, is the brains behind Peaky Blinders, Eastern Promises, Dirty Pretty Things and Locke, among others. The cast is stuffed too – alongside Cooper are Sienna Miller, Daniel Bruhl, Emma Thompson, Lily James, Omar Sy, Uma Thurman, Matthew Rhys, Ricardo Scamarcio and Alicia Vikander.

But, despite the veneer of professionalism, the whole thing unravels.

Take the basic premise: we’re supposed to root for our hero, the burnt-out chef seeking redemption. But from the very first scene, when he stomps out of the oyster shucking business, all the audience thinks is, this guy is a dickhead and I want him to fail (this does not change).

The story rumbles on: Bradley Cooper plays Adam Jones, a troubled chef who has won two Michelin Stars, fallen on hard times but now needs to fight and cook his way back to glory.

Jones comes to London with the aim of reconnecting with friends from his debauched Paris days – everyone seems to have helpfully relocated to the UK – start cooking again and win his third Star. He persuades an old friend who manages the underperforming restaurant at the Langham Hotel, to let him become head chef and “save” his failing enterprise. He acquires a motorbike along the way, then assembles other former colleagues and discovers fresh cooking talent and brings them to his new kitchen. There are fights and drama and plot twists and failures. Naturally there is a side salad of romance. Eventually, Adam learns to be a better chef, a better man, fuck it – a better manager of people in a 21st century working environment. In the end – spoiler alert – he earns that Michelin Star. The film concludes with Jones sitting down to the traditional pre-shift “family meal” with the staff of his restaurant – his true family. Music swells. The end. Compliments to the chef.

Of course that doesn’t do justice to the tableau of terribleness on offer, so in the name of brevity, I’ll offer a brief rundown of some choice cuts – a tasting menu of Burnt, if you will.

The film takes itself terrifically seriously and it abounds with portentous soliloquies about the importance of food – Adam lectures Helene, his chefing protégé turned love interest played by Sienna Miller, about “peasant food” via the means of a Whopper at the Leicester Square Burger King. Later he tells her that she and he deal “in culinary orgasms”, and that he wants to “make food that makes people stop eating”, leaving diners “sick with longing”. There are also lots of irritating foodie affectations, like how people plainly compliment a meal with the words, “it’s good” and a knowing nod. And Adam Jones has a bizarre running feud with the concept of sous-vide cooking, which he describes as a food condom – despite such pre-prep methods of cooking being a staple of modern kitchens.

It is entirely credulous of the extremely dated notion of the rock and roll chef, years after the '90s hijinks of Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential and the petulance of Marco Pierre White and Gordon Ramsay. Throughout we are continually told that Jones is brilliant and charismatic and that everyone is in love with him – despite there being no on-the-plate evidence to prove the thesis.

Of course Sienna Miller’s Helene falls for AJ. How could she not swoon in front of someone so passionate about escargot, even if he is borderline abusive? To get Helene to work for him, AJ says he will double her salary – as a single mum this is an offer she can’t refuse. Later, after Cooper makes her apologise to a badly cooked turbot and a blazing row ensues, prompting Miller to get out of the kitchen, she is only persuaded to come back to work when her wage is tripled again: a friend and I did a back-of-a-napkin estimate of Helene’s salary at this stage and we put it at somewhere between £80k – £150k, which would surely make her the highest paid sous-chef in Britain.

Ultimately the pair cook and fight and eventually make great food together; inevitably they kiss too. Equally it’s clear that Daniel Bruhl, playing the manager/maitre’d is in love with Adam Jones. This is sort-of consummated in a single, conciliatory and deeply problematic kiss. While Uma Thurman, the Evening Standard’s restaurant critic (!), also weirdly reveals that while a lesbian, she once had sex with the chef. More importantly, she shows up for a meal at the restaurant and performs what I like to call Burntface: a plate of food arrives at table, she takes a morsel on a fork, the camera watches closely as she sucks the food into her mouth and then her eyes move heavenward, rapt, orgasmic, sick with longing.

Omar Sy is another one of Adam’s culinary cohorts. They have an early dust up outside the al fresco section of the Leicester Square Burger King: he’s got beef with AJ who previously sabotaged his own restaurant venture. They have a brief fight and then quickly make up with Omar agreeing to work at the Langham. Later, in a dramatic twist, Sy sabotages a meal intended for what may or may not be Michelin judges by over-seasoning a sauce. He then shows his hand, streaked with pepper. It’s payback for Paris he says, and walks out.

Matthew Rhys plays Montgomery Reece, a one-time collaborator turned rival. He runs Reece, a high-end restaurant cooking fancy molecular looking fare. He is Salieri to Cooper’s Mozart in the film’s formulation. The pair will clash along the way as the rivalry is revived.

In one great moment, after AJ’s revived restaurant gets a four star review in the Times with the stirring headline, “Adam Jones at the Langham Surprises and Delights”, Montgomery is so annoyed that he trashes his entire restaurant – every chair, table and plate is destroyed. With Reece’s in pieces he is prompted to relaunch his own enterprise.

Later in the film’s finest scene, AJ has fallen off the wagon after the disaster of Omar Sy’s revenge a la cayenne pepper, and shows up drunk at the Reece kitchen. It’s time for Jones and Reece to have their climactic stand-off. Out of control and wildly overacting, Cooper bellows an overture and grabs for a sous-vide bag with which he then attempts to suffocate himself. Thankfully Montgomery prevents this unprecedented sous-vide-cide, Adam then cries in his arms and they come to a greater understanding. It is bafflingly, brilliantly, beautifully bad *chef’s kiss*. Monty lets Adam sleep it off in the kitchen and in the morning makes Jones a cup of coffee and a two-egg omelette. “It’s good,” says Adam.

Ostensibly, Burnt looks like a standard, average film – a three star-er that you’d watch on a plane or when you’ve grown tired of scrolling through Netflix. But look closely and you realise that there is something wrong with virtually every moment in the film: one scene won’t make sense, the next is unintentionally funny, another is just plain obnoxious, more seem to exist largely to prove that Bradley speaks conversational French – it’s a smorgasbord of rubbish.

Put simply, if you haven’t yet seen Burnt, the only right and proper thing to do is savour its tastes right now – come join us Burntheads. It is a film so bad it will make you want to stop watching, yet you can’t turn away. You’ll be sick with longing. It’s good.

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The professional body for GPs in the UK has come out in favour of fully decriminalising abortion.

The Royal College of GPs' chair, Helen Stokes-Lampard, said this stance “is about providing non-judgemental care to our patients so that women who face the difficult decision to proceed with an abortion are not disadvantaged by the legal system”.

The Abortion Act 1967 made terminations legal in England, Wales and Scotland provided certain conditions are met – including approval from “two registered medical practitioners”.

In Northern Ireland, abortion is still prohibited in the vast majority of cases. It's only legal if a woman's life is at risk or there's a permanent or serious risk to her mental or physical health. This means abortion is illegal in cases of rape, incest or fatal foetal abnormalities.

After polling its members, the Royal College of GPs (RCGP) said 62% of more than 4,400 respondents had said the organisation should support the decriminalisation of abortion.

Decriminalisation would make the procedure “governed by medical regulatory frameworks, not the criminal justice system”, thus reducing lingering stigma around abortion and preventing the possibility of a woman ever being prosecuted for having one.

Just 19% of respondents said that the RCGP should oppose the decriminalisation of abortion, while 15% said that the RCGP should take a neutral position. A further 4% abstained.

Professor Helen Stokes-Lampard, Chair of the Royal College of GPs, said in a statement: “This is an incredibly sensitive topic, but it's essential that we engage in debate and hear what our members have to say on all issues facing modern healthcare.

“It speaks to the strength of feeling of our members that we had such a good response rate to our consultation. The quality of the feedback has been hugely valuable in helping us form an official position on the decriminalisation of abortion.

“Ultimately, this is about providing non-judgemental care to our patients so that women who face the difficult decision to proceed with an abortion are not disadvantaged by the legal system.”

Abortion charity Marie Stopes has welcomed the RCGP's decision, calling it “excellent news”.

Really excellent news from the @rcgp that they are in support of decriminalising abortion.

“Ultimately, this is about providing non-judgemental care to our patients…”

Hear, hear! https://t.co/mOeF9PCQ3u

— Marie Stopes UK (@MarieStopesUK) February 22, 2019

Dr Asha Kaliwal of the Faculty of Sexual & Reproductive Healthcare also welcomed the news, saying: “We believe women should be able to access safe and legal abortion wherever they live in the UK.”

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Ever since I can remember, I’ve been a workaholic. Romantically, I’ve always been almost exclusively attracted to artists. It should be no surprise to anyone that I’ve ended up the breadwinner in my relationship.

That hasn’t always been the case — but right now my husband, Jacob, is freelance, while my salaried job as the head of content at a startup has become our main source of income and health insurance. When we got married in 2017, the situation was reversed. I was working from home as a communications director for a remote agency while Jacob’s career as a creative director was taking off, and he was significantly out-earning me for the first time in our six years together. But the balance of financial power is a pendulum, and five months later it swung back in my direction. Jacob decided to leave his agency job rather suddenly due to a toxic work environment –– his female boss was abruptly let go for no reason. How could I not totally support this decision? He was miserable, I was making plenty of money to pay our (thankfully reasonable) rent, and he had been turning down freelance work left and right in his full-time position. We both thought it would be an easy transition.

What I didn’t expect was that he wouldn’t really find work for a while, and resentment grew on both ends. I was frustrated the house was a mess when I came home from work. He was upset that I wasn’t able to see how hard he was trying to find jobs. I was angry that I was still doing most of the grocery shopping, and that I couldn’t splurge on shoes even though I worked so hard. He was feeling unappreciated. I was jealous of the time he had that I didn’t, because I was busting my ass at the office all day, while also picking up freelance gigs on nights and weekends. I was scared that on bad days at work I was trapped in my job because one of us needed a stable income and health insurance, and that responsibility fell squarely on me. Though my feelings were valid, they weren’t always necessarily fair. After all, we made the decision together.

I was frustrated the house was a mess when I came home from work. He was upset that I wasn’t able to see how hard he was trying to find jobs.

This is all to say, assuming the role of primary earner during the first year of our marriage has been an interesting exercise in communication, familial roles, and much to my chagrin…math.

Of course, I’m not the first female breadwinner to struggle navigating the topsy-turvy reality of playing provider: a 2014 Pew Research study found that women were the sole or primary financial provider in four-in-ten households with children younger than 18. Yet media coverage would lead you to believe that these kinds of relationships are doomed. Everyone is quick to cite the 2013 study that found in relationships where the woman out-earns the man, the couple has less sex. Late last year, Tucker Carlson drew Twitter ere when he claimed that “there is more drug and alcohol abuse in areas where women out-earn men.” And in 2017, Ashley C. Ford wrote an article for Refinery29, where she surveyed more than a 100 millennial women about their breadwinner status, many of whom expressed their unhappiness of being put into role they found to be stressful and burdensome.

I’ve got to believe that breadwinner status is hard for everyone, regardless of gender. But I’ve learned is that it’s especially fraught for straight women. Even as more of us step up to support our families financially, it’s not really a popular topic of conversation. Jacob and I are incredibly communicative about everything, and yet, when it came to this new dynamic, it often felt like we weren’t speaking the same language.

Feeling frustrated and alone in my new role as breadwinner, I wanted to know more. Which is why I interviewed more than 20 female breadwinners, both straight and queer, of various ages and place in their lives, to figure out how exactly they manage the challenges. I wanted to know how they cope, if they embrace the mantle, and how we can move toward a new reality where everyone — male or female — can feel good about the roles they assume in their marriage. From business owners, account directors, and social media coordinators to university lecturers and freelance writers, the women I spoke with spanned a diverse range of industries, with one thing in common: their breadwinner status had dramatically affected their relationships in ways they had never imagined, both good and bad, yet most wouldn’t have it any other way.

While all of them share a variety of frustrations and silver linings, one thing that is clear is that the old adage is true: money is power. And when a woman assumes the traditional male role as provider, it can be confusing — it’s hard to shake society’s gender norms. We tend to put these relationships under the microscope and scrutinise every single dynamic. It’s almost as if we overhype the worst stereotypes about men (see every sitcom ever featuring lovable goofs incapable of loading a washing machine) and women (see those same sitcoms featuring overbearing nags).

Eleanor*, a 39-year-old business owner, blames her husband’s “shitty attitude about household chores” on his upbringing, and she doesn’t connect their conflicts over household responsibilities to her position as primary earner. In fact, I was a little surprised to find that only a third of the women I interviewed indicated that fights over domestic responsibilities increased alongside their salaries. After all, women typically take on more domestic responsibilities regardless of how much they’re contributing financially because of societal norms and expectations. In fact, the more a woman out-earns her husband, the less housework he performs: It’s been noted that many female breadwinners pick up the majority of domestic responsibilities in addition to their professional workload to assuage their husbands’ feelings of emasculation.

“Women know the rules,” says Farnoosh Torabi, personal finance expert and author of She Makes More. “The home is our domain if we’re not working, and we’re going to do a good job. For men, it’s not the instinct.”

It makes sense when you consider that the stereotype of women keeping homes is reinforced in movies, on TV, in every single laundry detergent commercial, and likely even watching our own parents interact. When men are put it in the same position, they have no blueprint to instinctually follow. Just watch Michael Keaton struggle to “become the lady of the house” in the 1983 classic Mr. Mom. That movie is more than 35 years old, and yet there’s been no iconic update to that pop culture trope. Women’s media regularly repeats the line that girls cannot become what they cannot see. But that’s also true for boys.

For the female breadwinners who weren’t getting into fights over dirty dishes, their relationships were built on the understanding that their partners would actively take on non-traditional responsibilities — whether that's childcare, cleaning, or emotional support — and would be valued for that contribution.

For the female breadwinners who weren’t getting into fights over dirty dishes, their relationships were built on the understanding that their partners would actively take on non-traditional responsibilities.

Sara, 37, a legal assistant, was laid off at the same time as her husband, but she was able to secure a new job first. After she gave birth to their first child, they decided it made sense for her husband to say at home. “The biggest thing has been to trust him to take on the primary caregiver role. I don’t pull second shift at home or expect to run everything while my husband just helps. I’m also not picky about how he does things, dad wise. I concentrate on my part, let him do his part, and enjoy hanging out with my baby.”

But Sara might be an outlier. Even if breadwinner status makes women feel entitled to demand more from the partners domestically, typically it doesn’t always shake out so evenly, especially if there are children involved. While a majority of parents from dual, full-time working households say certain responsibilities are shared equally, about half say the mother does more when it comes to managing children’s schedules and activities. (On the other hand, one of the secrets of becoming a female CEO is having a husband who’s willing to be the primary caregiver.)

Some of the women I spoke to think these feelings of parity can be achieved by alternating breadwinner status throughout the duration of the relationship. When you’re in it for the long haul, unless you’ve decided on permanent roles from the get go, it makes sense that the primary earner would fluctuate over the years as life happens.

“The balance of who makes more has gone back and forth several times in our 20-plus-year relationship. At this point it’s a non-issue for us” says Jamie Beth, a 42-year-old writer and administrative assistant.

“We sort of switch off who has the ‘good job’ (the one that makes the money) and which of us gets to do the creative bit for awhile,” says Julie, 41, a talent agent, describing the give and take in her marriage. “Right now I have a start-up business and so for the past year he's had the good job, but for the previous six years, it was me.”

But there were other women who embraced their ambition and couldn’t imagine another way of life. Jane*, a creative director I interviewed, found the only way she could make her relationship work was by shucking norms. “When we tried to have a ‘normal’ relationship, we failed miserably. But, as soon as we started getting weird and doing what we wanted instead of what we were supposed to do, things got better and better.”

It was stories like Jane’s that I found to be the most helpful. Being the breadwinner is hard, but so many of these women have found ways to make it work and as a result, their relationships have thrived.

“In a way, it puts a microscope over problems that you may not have noticed before,” says Jennifer, 32, a merchandiser. “It's actually a great thing to be able to see these problems clearly and have an opportunity to pull yourselves out of them. And if you do, you'll be stronger than ever.”

As Martha, 33, a biopharma marketer, observes, it can be a gift if you have a partner who isn’t threatened by the dynamic, and you have a clear plan for each person to feel valued and productive. She’s found that she’s more confident, and she likes being able to spend money without needing permission.

It seems as though the real secret to success as a female breadwinner is not letting anyone in the relationship feel taken for granted. Which, let’s be honest, should be the case in every relationship regardless of who earns more. Every contribution is valuable, and no one wants to feel their efforts, whether they be domestic or financial, count any more or less. Plus, there’s something truly magical about finding that someone who supports your ambitions.

“I'm in my professional prime, doing and achieving the things I actually dreamed I would as a child,” Jane, the creative director, shares. “And, it's made possible by my partner who is literally always there for me, quietly replacing the collection of empty cans on my desk with a fresh La Croix when I'm stuck on long calls and reminding me to be a person.”

Still, that primary earner status is scary, and it comes with a lot of pressure. I’ve had moments of feeling trapped, resentful, and burdened with a responsibility I took on without really understanding how it would make me feel. But it’s also made me made me stronger, more resourceful, and more vocal in all parts of my life. I’m proud that I had the power to provide needed financial support when my family needed it.

Even though I’m a self-diagnosed workaholic, this might not always be my reality. But, one day when it’s not, I’m going to be glad knowing that it’s something I’m more than capable of doing, and that my relationship can withstand shifts in balance and power with a few (or a lot) of hard conversations. I’ll also, most likely, be bummed I can’t use my breadwinner status to leverage getting out of making the bed quite so much.

*Names have been changed.

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